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0> C/5 u PEPSLINK December 15, 2000 Volume 107 Issue 10 Bush and Gore Win Tipper Gently Tiebreaker Weekly After a Supreme Court ruling this week to stop the recount in Florida, Bush and Gore have reached a compromise through the Court: they have decided to share the presidency. This decision came after a ruling in which Supreme Court Justice Rehnquist called both candidates into his chambers-along with the media-and informed them in front of America that they "suck." The candidates were a bit taken aback by Rehn- quist's harsh comment, but the two glanced at the other, noticed his red tie that made him look more warm and open, shrugged their shoulders, and agreed that they do "suck." Rehnquist continued to inform them that neither of them deserve to be President, that "the American people have cast their votes." "We haven't counted them all for sure, but we have enough of an idea," Rehnquist said. "We also know that the American people do not have the intellect to vote, because they cast their ballot for whomever looks better on t.v." Rehnquist then commented on how nice the candidates looked in their red ties. Both men blushed and acted shy. The judge continued his tirade, "We have seen states like Min nesota and the genius of their voters. Who in their right mind would elect a wrestler whose only political background was a term in which he didn't finish?" After the judge calmed down, he said, "But Jesse hasn't done a terrible job because he has smart "We have seen states like Minnesota and the genius of their voters. " people surrounding him. That's what we're going to do with you two. "I hereby elect you both as President. You will share the Presidency throughout the four years. You will divide the responsibilities and trade off so you learn how to share." Bush and Gore shot sidelong glances toward each other, wondering how the other was handling the news. The judge continued, "Since we didn't think either of you would want to give up the oval office, we have placed another desk in there. We actually got the idea from Saturday Night Live," he chuckled. "This also ensures that neither of you will be able to pull a Clinton." He added, "The other Jus tices and I were thinking about doing something this term anyway to prevent that, and to save us more embarrassment. But then of course Minnesota elects a wrestler and it's all downhill again." "We'll let Mr. Gore start out in the Senate since he already, kind of, knows how it's run. Mr. Bush, you can call your dad later about how he ran the Senate." "We have made Air Force One the Sequel and it's more equipped than Air Force One so neither of you would be ashamed to have Sequel." At this point the Justice stopped talking and looked at the candidates who were nodding with complacent looks on their faces. "What do you boys think?" he asked. Gore was the first to speak, "Well, I thought of that plan weeks ago." Bush agreed after he saw that Gore had agreed and said to Gore, "Thank God. Now you can take care of all that stuff we do other places than here." After the session with the Justice, the two went out and got drunk together, Gore snorted his first line, and Bush fell asleep while Gore spoke monotonously about all he accomplished in his four years as Vice President. Library refuses Martin Luther's life's work; university becomes Nihilist disco Hardly A. Majority Appreciates scholalry works The entire collection of Martin Luther's original texts will not be coming to Augsburg, said library director Jane Ann Nelson on Tuesday. Hey, why don't YOU check out the library TODAY!!! The collection is currently held at Martin Luther University (MLU) in Wittenburg, Germany. University officials had hoped that Augsburg, with its quasi-emphasis on Lutheran theology, would be willing to house the collection, which has been maintained at MLU for the last 500 years. Augsburg library officials quickly explained their reason for turning down MLU's offer. "We checked all of the works that MLU's President Deiter Von Hofschwein offered us, and they were indeed impressive," commented Jane Ann Nelson. "However, these books are ALL available on CLICNET! Augsburg students can use them whenever they want." When asked about the potential for Luther scholars to visit Augsburg and enrich the college's quasi-academic environment while researching the collections, Nelson responded. "Martin Luther's books are the least used out of any in the library. Why would we bring in any more if no one is using the books we have?" "Additionally," Nelson continued, "the financial strain of such a project would be enormous. This is money that we've already decided to use to supplement Augsburg's impressive comic book collection. These comic volumes are some of the least available over clicnet and are the most used by Augsburg students." "I wish all Augsburg students would take advantage of the resources the library offers," concluded Nelson. "Hey, why don't YOU check out the library TODAY!!!" German officials were disappointed by Augsburg's choice not to take Luther's life's work. "Ja," explained President Von Hofschwein. "Here we disco all night. Volumes of valuable religious history just get in the way. We had hoped Augsburg would take them away. No matter. Soon our University will be Europe's greatest techno club! Now, dance American swine! MACHT SCHNELL!" Martin Luther's volumes will now be dumped into the ocean as MLU expands to include ten times the mega-bass capacity, strobe lights and disco balls in its new disco facilities: Nihilistechno. Where's Margaret Cho? resident Frame moves to China to live with the Pandas Rice Patty Bamboozling Editor A previous issue of the Echo reported that Augsburg President Frame was visiting China. However, the Echo was unable to report at that time the real reason for Frame's trip. According to that issue. Frame was visiting China in order to "strengthen relations between higher education systems in both countries" It was recently announced that Frame was actually visiting China as a first step to what will be a permanent move to Buddha's homeland. "I believe that one's vocation is only truly satisfying when chosen through a pedagogy that forces people to engage in academic pursuits outside of the immediate academic environment," said Frame as 3,000 Augsburg students attempted to interpret what he was saying. "Furthermore, a recent conference with my spiritual advisor led me to believe that my ancestors were actually an assemblage of Ailuropoda melanoleuca. native to southern China. Martin Luther would want me to get to know their culture" What Frame was really telling a confused audience (most of whom were frantically looking up the characteristically large words in the pocket dictionaries the college was forced to provide before all of Frame's speechesl. was that he was going to live with the giant pandas in southern China. Reactions among Augsburg students were mixed. According to one wrestler, "dude, I think it's cool. What state is China in anyway?" While one WEC student commented, "I don't care," another asked simply, "Who is President Frame anyway? Is there going to be a test on this stuff? This reminds me of a time when my kids went off to elementary school." According to extremely reliable sources. Frame will be living in the Chinese wilderness with a pack of Pandas. Due to problems with their visas, his wife, Ann Frame, will only be allowed conjugal visits once every two weeks. "It is going to be hard to be separated from him for so long," said Ann Frame. "But I was sort of getting tired of him anyway." In preparation for the trip. Frame had to be immunized for dengue fever, cholera, malaria, hepatitis A and B, Japanese encephalitis, polio, rabies and typhoid. "Thank Buddha I got that rabies vaccination," said Frame. "I hear rabid dogs are prevalent all over China." Some unnamed administrators at Augsburg are also saying that Frame is switching his party affiliation to the Communist Party. Rumors have not been verified at this time. However, Frame was overheard saying, "Stalin rules!" lo.com President Frame sent his wife a picture of his beloved Polly.
|Title||Echo V 107 I 10 December 15, 2000|
|Date||December 15, 2000|
|Frequency||Published on Fridays during the academic year.|
|Coverage||The Echo has been published since 1898.|
|Type||Scans of newspapers|
|Scan Date||April, 2012|
|Creator/Author||Students of Augsburg College|
|Source||Scans of printed and bound editions of the Echo.|
|Rights||No reproduction without permission from Augsburg College.|