Echo V 107 I 10 December 15, 2000

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December 15, 2000     Volume 107
Issue 10
Bush and Gore Win
Tipper Gently
Tiebreaker Weekly
After a Supreme Court ruling
this week to stop the recount in
Florida, Bush and Gore have
reached a compromise through
the Court: they have decided to
share the presidency.
This decision came after
a ruling in which Supreme
Court Justice Rehnquist
called both candidates into
his chambers-along with the
media-and informed them
in front of America that
they "suck."
The candidates were a
bit taken aback by Rehn-
quist's harsh comment, but the
two glanced at the other, noticed
his red tie that made him look
more warm and open, shrugged
their shoulders, and agreed that
they do "suck."
Rehnquist continued to inform
them that neither of them deserve
to be President, that "the American people have cast their votes."
"We haven't counted them all
for sure, but we have enough of an
idea," Rehnquist said. "We also
know that the American people do
not have the intellect to vote,
because they cast their ballot for
whomever looks better on t.v."
Rehnquist then commented on
how nice the candidates looked in
their red ties. Both men blushed
and acted shy.
The judge continued his tirade,
"We have seen states like Min
nesota and the genius of their voters. Who in their right mind
would elect a wrestler whose only
political background was a term
in which he didn't finish?"
After the judge calmed down,
he said, "But Jesse hasn't done a
terrible job because he has smart
"We have seen states like
Minnesota and the genius
of their voters. "
people surrounding him. That's
what we're going to do with you
two.
"I hereby elect you both as
President. You will share the
Presidency throughout the four
years. You will divide the responsibilities and trade off so you learn
how to share."
Bush and Gore shot sidelong
glances toward each other, wondering how the other was handling
the news.
The judge continued, "Since
we didn't think either of you
would want to give up the oval
office, we have placed another
desk in there. We actually got the
idea from Saturday Night Live,"
he chuckled.
"This also ensures that neither
of you will be able to pull a Clinton."   He added, "The other Jus
tices and I were thinking about
doing something this term anyway
to prevent that, and to save us
more embarrassment. But then of
course Minnesota elects a wrestler
and it's all downhill again."
"We'll let Mr. Gore start out in
the Senate since he already, kind
of, knows how it's run. Mr.
Bush, you can call your dad
later about how he ran the
Senate."
"We    have    made    Air
Force One the Sequel and
it's more equipped than Air
Force One so neither of you
would be ashamed to have
Sequel."
At    this    point    the    Justice
stopped talking and looked at the
candidates   who   were   nodding
with complacent looks on their
faces.
"What do you boys think?" he
asked.
Gore was the first to speak,
"Well, I thought of that plan
weeks ago."
Bush agreed after he saw that
Gore had agreed and said to Gore,
"Thank God. Now you can take
care of all that stuff we do other
places than here."
After the session with the Justice, the two went out and got
drunk together, Gore snorted his
first line, and Bush fell asleep
while Gore spoke monotonously
about all he accomplished in his
four years as Vice President.
Library refuses Martin
Luther's life's work;
university becomes
Nihilist disco
Hardly A. Majority
Appreciates scholalry works
The entire collection of Martin
Luther's original texts will not be
coming to Augsburg, said library
director Jane Ann Nelson on
Tuesday.
Hey, why don't
YOU check out the
library TODAY!!!
The collection is currently held
at Martin Luther University
(MLU) in Wittenburg, Germany.
University officials had hoped that
Augsburg, with its quasi-emphasis
on Lutheran theology, would be
willing to house the collection,
which has been maintained at
MLU for the last 500 years.
Augsburg library officials
quickly explained their reason for
turning down MLU's offer.
"We checked all of the works
that MLU's President Deiter Von
Hofschwein offered us, and they
were indeed impressive," commented Jane Ann Nelson. "However, these books are ALL
available on CLICNET! Augsburg
students can use them whenever
they want."
When asked about the potential for Luther scholars to visit
Augsburg and enrich the college's
quasi-academic environment
while researching the collections,
Nelson responded. "Martin
Luther's books are the least used
out of any in the library. Why
would we bring in any more if no
one is using the books we have?"
"Additionally," Nelson continued, "the financial strain of such a
project would be enormous. This
is money that we've already
decided to use to supplement
Augsburg's impressive comic
book collection. These comic volumes are some of the least available over clicnet and are the most
used by Augsburg students."
"I wish all Augsburg students
would take advantage of the
resources the library offers," concluded Nelson. "Hey, why don't
YOU check out the library
TODAY!!!"
German officials were disappointed by Augsburg's choice not
to take Luther's life's work. "Ja,"
explained President Von Hofschwein. "Here we disco all night.
Volumes of valuable religious history just get in the way. We had
hoped Augsburg would take them
away. No matter. Soon our University will be Europe's greatest
techno club! Now, dance American swine! MACHT SCHNELL!"
Martin Luther's volumes will
now be dumped into the ocean as
MLU expands to include ten times
the mega-bass capacity, strobe
lights and disco balls in its new
disco facilities: Nihilistechno.
Where's
Margaret Cho?
resident Frame moves to
China to live with the Pandas
Rice Patty
Bamboozling Editor 	
A previous issue of the Echo reported that Augsburg President Frame
was visiting China. However, the Echo was unable to report at that time
the real reason for Frame's trip.
According to that issue. Frame was visiting China in order to
"strengthen relations between higher education systems in both countries" It was recently announced that Frame was actually visiting China
as a first step to what will be a permanent move to Buddha's homeland.
"I believe that one's vocation is only truly satisfying when chosen
through a pedagogy that forces people to engage in academic pursuits
outside of the immediate academic environment," said Frame as 3,000
Augsburg students attempted to interpret what he was saying. "Furthermore, a recent conference with my spiritual advisor led me to believe
that my ancestors were actually an assemblage of Ailuropoda
melanoleuca. native to southern China. Martin Luther would want me
to get to know their culture"
What Frame was really telling a confused audience (most of whom
were frantically looking up the characteristically large words in the
pocket dictionaries the college was forced to provide before all of
Frame's speechesl. was that he was going to live with the giant pandas
in southern China.
Reactions among Augsburg students were mixed. According to one
wrestler, "dude, I think it's cool. What state is China in anyway?"
While one WEC student commented, "I don't care," another asked
simply, "Who is President Frame anyway? Is there going to be a test on
this stuff? This reminds me of a time when my kids went off to elementary school."
According to extremely reliable sources. Frame will be living in the
Chinese wilderness with a pack of Pandas. Due to problems with their
visas, his wife, Ann Frame, will only be allowed conjugal visits once
every two weeks.
"It is going to be hard to be separated from him for so long," said
Ann Frame. "But I was sort of getting tired of him anyway."
In preparation for the trip. Frame had to be immunized for dengue
fever, cholera, malaria, hepatitis A and B, Japanese encephalitis, polio,
rabies and typhoid. "Thank Buddha I got that rabies vaccination," said
Frame.  "I hear rabid dogs are prevalent all over China."
Some unnamed administrators at Augsburg are also saying that
Frame is switching his party affiliation to the Communist Party. Rumors
have not been verified at this time. However, Frame was overheard saying, "Stalin rules!"
lo.com
President Frame sent his wife a
picture of his beloved Polly.